How To Survive?

     I'm starting this post with a question. One that many tend to ask. How does one survive? It seems like it would have a simple answer right? I mean there is the normal stuff. Hungry? Eat. Tired? Sleep. Thirsty? Drink. Right? That is a form of survival. There are several other forms of survival as well. For those who have been abused we do what we can to make sure that it never happens again.
     We set our selves up to be guarded against the behaviors that once hurt us. If we have been hit we flinch and back away when a hand is raised. We apologize for everything. Only because we once believed that all things bad were our fault. We cower because we know that if we say anything or do anything that the next round, whether it is words or blows, will be worse. I'm here to tell you that that is not really surviving in most cases. But to a woman or a man who has lived this terrible nightmare, it is.
     They do not want to live a life like that. They want to have to only worry about the mundane task of everyday life. Some are not even able to function normally in a home life due to the extent of their abuse or abuser. Some are terrified to even leave their homes because "What if I see them at the store?" As a survivor, those questions cross my mind. I shielded that part of my life. I stopped going places because I was afraid I would see him again. I was afraid that he would try to finish what he started. I gave him authority over my life when I should not have. He was no longer physically part of my life and yet he still had the ability to control what I did.
      There is a  way to break that cycle. It is going to take a lot more then just being ok with the fact that it happened and you are going to move on. To break it is to forgive them. I have not made it to that point in my journey yet, but I am working on it.
     My abuser has recently moved back to town or has made himself more known that he is still here. When I first known he was back I went back to my victim mentality. I stopped going out during the day and started hiding in my house. I felt safe and had my control over myself. Then I looked at my kids. My children wanted to go do things. Play outside. Run in the sprinkler. And because of my fear I was going to hinder their lives. I cannot do that to them. They are the reason I stop living like a victim and start living like a survivor. Even though I have not quite let the idea of forgiveness fall into plan with my situation, I know it will happen soon. There is a sense of peace over my thoughts when I am out and about by myself now. There is a calm when I know that no matter what God has my back and will be there for me. He will give me the words I need when the time comes for me. I know that one day I will come face to face with my abuser again and in that time, that moment, forgiveness will be evident.
     I do not have to be friends, or even like my abuser when I do finally reach that moment of forgiveness. I do not have to do it for their benefit either. This is for me and it is part of the healing process. I will not allow him to have authority over me or my life anymore! I will not submit to the torment of what if any longer. Stand with me! There are strength in numbers and I want to be one of those numbers with you! Remember they can only control if you allow them to!