How To Survive?

     I'm starting this post with a question. One that many tend to ask. How does one survive? It seems like it would have a simple answer right? I mean there is the normal stuff. Hungry? Eat. Tired? Sleep. Thirsty? Drink. Right? That is a form of survival. There are several other forms of survival as well. For those who have been abused we do what we can to make sure that it never happens again.
     We set our selves up to be guarded against the behaviors that once hurt us. If we have been hit we flinch and back away when a hand is raised. We apologize for everything. Only because we once believed that all things bad were our fault. We cower because we know that if we say anything or do anything that the next round, whether it is words or blows, will be worse. I'm here to tell you that that is not really surviving in most cases. But to a woman or a man who has lived this terrible nightmare, it is.
     They do not want to live a life like that. They want to have to only worry about the mundane task of everyday life. Some are not even able to function normally in a home life due to the extent of their abuse or abuser. Some are terrified to even leave their homes because "What if I see them at the store?" As a survivor, those questions cross my mind. I shielded that part of my life. I stopped going places because I was afraid I would see him again. I was afraid that he would try to finish what he started. I gave him authority over my life when I should not have. He was no longer physically part of my life and yet he still had the ability to control what I did.
      There is a  way to break that cycle. It is going to take a lot more then just being ok with the fact that it happened and you are going to move on. To break it is to forgive them. I have not made it to that point in my journey yet, but I am working on it.
     My abuser has recently moved back to town or has made himself more known that he is still here. When I first known he was back I went back to my victim mentality. I stopped going out during the day and started hiding in my house. I felt safe and had my control over myself. Then I looked at my kids. My children wanted to go do things. Play outside. Run in the sprinkler. And because of my fear I was going to hinder their lives. I cannot do that to them. They are the reason I stop living like a victim and start living like a survivor. Even though I have not quite let the idea of forgiveness fall into plan with my situation, I know it will happen soon. There is a sense of peace over my thoughts when I am out and about by myself now. There is a calm when I know that no matter what God has my back and will be there for me. He will give me the words I need when the time comes for me. I know that one day I will come face to face with my abuser again and in that time, that moment, forgiveness will be evident.
     I do not have to be friends, or even like my abuser when I do finally reach that moment of forgiveness. I do not have to do it for their benefit either. This is for me and it is part of the healing process. I will not allow him to have authority over me or my life anymore! I will not submit to the torment of what if any longer. Stand with me! There are strength in numbers and I want to be one of those numbers with you! Remember they can only control if you allow them to!

The Fear Of Help

     When in a situation where things are sensitive, it can be difficult to figure out how to get help. Not many people understand the seriousness of someone who is in a violent relationship. They give the advice of just leave. They do not know the ramifications that that statement can bring to a relationship that could blow up at any moment. 

     Just leaving could cause the violence to pick up. There are the possibility of threats being followed through. I know that in my case the biggest threat came when he proposed. After asking if he could have my hand in marriage, he told me that if I said no no one would find my body. I did not know what to say other than yes. I valued my life enough to stay alive until I could figure out what I needed to do to save my skin. 

     I was afraid to say anything to anyone. I did not know who would talk to him and let him know. I stopped being friendly with those who were my friends for years. They never knew what was going on. 

     That was the same weekend that I received my first bruise somewhere others could see. My face. He bit the side of my face and jaw because I bit him trying to get him to stop choking me. I remember everything my dad taught me about self defense and I used the one thing I thought would save me only to get the shock of a lifetime when he bit me. I got away from him fast enough and told him to leave. I then went back to my 18th birthday like nothing happened. 

     My mother was the one who found out the truth. 

     She saw the bruise on my face. I tried to cover it up with the classic line "I fell." She did not buy it. She wanted to know the truth and she wanted it now. I did not think anyone would care about the fact that I had a bruise on my face. My dad, who at the time I lived with, never even noticed it. If he did, he never made it known. I broke. I told my mom everything. I told her every hit, grab, bite, I told her everything. She was my saving grace. 

     My mom told me I needed to end it with this guy and fast. She was not going to bury her only daughter because of a guy who needed control. 

     I was scared to tell him that I wanted to end it. I feared that the worst was going to   happen. 

     To protect myself I called him from my mothers house and told him that I was done with our relationship and that he needed help. I couldn't stay with a person who needed to hit me to show me he loved me. I did not need someone controlling when I was able to see my family and friends. I told him I was done. Then he said the scariest three words I'd ever heard. "I'm coming over".

     I panicked I asked a friend to come over hoping that would buffer any violent behavior he may be bringing with him. My mom stayed at the house and conducted her business in the room on the same floor I was going to be on. My younger brothers were in the basement. I knew I was safe.

     He showed up soon after and I sat with him in the living room. My friend sat in the bathroom prepping water for pedicures. I was going to be safe. I told him again that I can not be with a guy who is going to hurt me. I called off our engagement and told him he needed help. I wasn't even going to be his friend until he got the help he needed. 

     Now, I have a soft heart and I have the urge to help people who are in distress. I wanted him to get help and be better. That is why I stayed. "Maybe if I just was better..." Those thoughts always crossed my mind. But today, today was different. He was going to need help. 

He agreed that he was going to get help and pleaded with me not to leave him. I held strong. I clung to the fact that my mom was there. I told him it couldn't happen. Things were going good. A little sad but it was going to be ok. The bruise that was now fading on my face was going to be my last. 

     He asked me to keep wearing his ring. I agreed only to make the process finish up quicker. When we were sitting quiet I decided that it was time for me to entertain my company. I got up and went to the bathroom where my friend was soaking her feet waiting on me. I sat down and we started talking and I was at ease for a moment. 

     That is when he came in. He asked for a kiss goodbye and I obliged just to get him out of my moms house faster. He bent down. Got to my mouth, and bit. Hard. Splitting my top and bottom lip deep enough to cause bleeding and an immediate swollen lip. I screamed. I broke my silence that day. My mom rushed in and the next thing I knew was she had him outside and the door locked as he begged my mom to let him back in. Her words resonate in my mind to this day. "So you can try and kill my daughter again? I don't think so." 

     My mom saved me. She was the safe place I could go to. She was the help I feared I would never find. Don't ever fear help. There are several resources available now that are out there for people to use. Find someone you trust. An officer, a friend, a family member, someone you know you can run to. Help is hard to ask for when you know there are repercussions. However, if you find the right help, you will never have to worry about them. Quik Trip is now considered a safe place for people to go to. There are apps for mobile phones that start recording and alert police at the touch of a button. Just remember to be strong. 

     So many times we are not confident enough to know our own strength. You are not alone in this fight. There are men and women everywhere that are going through similar fights. You never know when your fight becomes their hope. Don't give up on yourself. YOU are worth every ounce of fight you have to make your life better. Know that you have the right to get help. You have the right to fight for your life.  YOU are strong!

Life after What If?

Life is complicated. There are stresses in life that can bring us down. However there are things that can lift us up as well. This is true for domestic violence survivors.
 I have found that living with domestic violence in my life, is just like a rollercoaster. There are ups and downs in my life that are not very exciting that are scary. There's anxiety anytime I go to the grocery store. There's fear when a car follows me. But fear cannot rule your life. You are stronger than the fear. You are fearless.
You are not a victim you are a survivor. The difference between these two words is a survivor is somebody who fights for their life, a victim as somebody who never made it. If you are still breathing and have a heartbeat today you are a survivor.
But even survivors have what if moments. I'm here to tell you that there is life past the what ifs. It may take a while, but there will be strength flowing through you! Telling you "You can do this".
Another good point, don't let your past define you. You are not the cuts, the bruises, or the harsh words. You are YOU.
You may feel broken but you are unbreakable.
 If there is anything that I have clung onto more in the past few years the verse that I heard the day I found out my abuser was free again.
 Isaiah 41 10. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Domestic violence is scary it can look bleak and helpless. Remember there is a higher power to lean on. Fear will only hold you in the abuse. You are not a victim. You are a survivor!